It seems many people are talking about boundaries at the moment. And they mostly seem to be talking about saying "no" more often.
So, are boundaries just about saying no? What do good boundaries look like, and how do we have them more often?
I recently heard via a friend about a young professional person who had decided that everyone around her was probably trying to take advantage of her. This was really contrary to her value of being respected, and so trying to establish boundaries for her meant going "dark" when people did stuff she didn't like. And by dark, I mean disappearing from the face of the planet when there was actually a serious client deadline that needed to be met, and not telling anyone where she was, or why.
Boundaries are incredibly important to how we interact confidently with those we work with, and so I have spent a lot of time wrestling with what strong boundaries look and feel like. I believe that having good boundaries is really about so much more than trying to decide when to say “no”, and then being super awkward or even aggro when you do, because it doesn’t feel strong and authentic.
So how do we have better boundaries? Boundaries that feel strong and natural and authentic?
Step 1: Understand where your frustration comes from
We all have inherent expectations around how others should preferably think, behave or treat us (or others). Interestingly, these are mostly generated by what we're trying to bring to the world and our work - it's what we naturally notice and value. What makes this tricky, however, is most of us expect others will value, notice or appreciate the same things we do. I often hear the question "But, doesn't everyone do (or want) that?"
Frustration, or pressure in a situation happens when an unspoken or even unrecognised expectation has not been met. This is natural, but this frustration can also easily lead to resentment, anger and even breakdown of trust and relationship.
When you experience frustration or pressure in a situation, ask yourself what your expectations were in that moment? What were you hoping someone would, or wouldn't do?
Step 2: Validate the expectations that have not been met
It's no good pretending you're not peeved when someone has stepped on one of your values, whether purposefully or not. It's also no good telling yourself to "stop being like that". This is how you're wired. We all have different things we intrinsically value, such as delivery, timeliness, respect, accuracy, kindness, optimism or even logic! If it matters to you, and it's not happening, it's going to hurt - to a greater or lesser extent. The more it matters, the more it hurts.
So, when you feel that frustration, identify and honour the value leading to the frustration you're experiencing in that moment. For example, "I'd really prefer it if this person was on time, I feel disrespected by them being late, or cancelling our meeting." Or, "I would really like these guys to value my thinking, I've looked at the data and I don't understand why they're not listening."
Step 3: Choose your Response
Actions flow from the heart. And it's really hard to act in a way that is contrary to what your heart is feeling. In fact, it's a quick way to make yourself really ill. But once you've accepted that your heart is not that happy, and you've acknowledged that the reason it's not happy is because one of your values just got stepped on, (and be specific about which one), the very fact that you have recognised and honoured what you value somehow creates space in which it becomes easier to choose a response.
Now choose. Do you want to do something about it, and if so, what?
Having effective boundaries for me is simply where I begin to "get" and value my own expectations. And then being able to choose. First my heart attitude, and then my actions in how I respond to my expectations being met, or not. A"yes", "no" or even "let's talk about this" then flows much more naturally from this space.
